All Those Feelings...

Could life get any better than this?

All Those Feelings...


I love pictures, just ask my family.  I take pictures all the time and usually drive them crazy but I don't care.  I love them and love looking back at them.  Just looking at them takes me back to that moment in time and it's the most amazing feeling.  So I've always got my phone out and sometimes the big camera because I don't want to miss anything.

I took this the other night when I went in to check on the boys and it completely melted my heart.  For a number of reasons,
1.  They're growing up too fast!
2.  They love each other!                                                                                      3.  Where has all this time gone?

These little babies that once needed me for everything now are growing into young boys and men and I couldn't be more proud.  However, I do think about my dad and wish he was here to see it all and help guide me with these precious souls and that he'd be super proud of them too.  And this reminds me of a funny story...

My older two boys were busy with dad, as it should be, on a Saturday afternoon. (We only had two at the time.)  I usually worked a lot but that Saturday I was finished early and it hit me hard that these boys that had been attached to me were no longer.  So I did what I usually did...called my dad.  Well by the time I dialed and he answered, I'm in a full blown melt down and he's laughing because he can't understand a thing I'm saying.  I'm going on and on about how the boys don't need or want me anymore and what was I suppose to do now.  I am blubbering and carrying on, like I can do! ;)  And my dad is laughing and saying, "Kid, they're doing what they're suppose to be doing.  It'll all be alright and you've got to enjoy what you've got because they're only going to keep growing and in the blink of an eye they'll be leaving home, just as it should be, to build a life that you've taught them how to do.  So just enjoy the messes now."  He tells me this and is still laughing at my emotional state.  I talk to my mom, who is way more sympathetic,  and she reassures me in only a way that mommas can that it will all be ok.  I hung up the phone still upset, lost, and sad...so I picked myself up and went to an afternoon movie all by myself.  I remember it was suppose to be funny (The Tooth Fairy) and I just sat there with tears rolling down my cheeks with so many emotions running through me.  I laugh every time that movie is on now and think about my conversation with my mom and dad and all those feelings that I had.

My boys are growing up and becoming amazing young boys and young men and I'm enjoying everyday and all the good, bad, and ugly that comes with it.  I love that my parents took time to listen and talk to me about what I was feeling and I hope that I will do that with my boys as they grow up and leave home and spread their wings and fly.  You know...I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Swirling....1,2,3,4

     Life can sure be funny.  Sometimes just when I think I'm getting in my groove and things are going well, out of nowhere comes a big truck and just almost runs me over!  You know it doesn't just take you out but just catches you so off guard that you're left swirling around trying to get a grip and then another truck comes and sends you swirling in another direction.  This happened to me a few weeks ago and it feels like I'm just now standing up straight and able to focus.  Life with 4 boys on the farm and the day to day chaos that it brings has kept me from making time for me to do my writing therapy and I can feel it.  I never knew that pouring out my heart and soul on "paper" could make me feel so much better!

     #1....Life's not fair so "Suck It Up Buttercup"....  My dad used to tell me this all the time and now I tell myself this everyday as well as my 4 boys!  Except I really wish that my dad was the one telling me, I wish he was here.  I miss him!  Now I have to be the one and most days I'm ok with that but some days I want to say screw it, go to bed, and wake up the next day with a whole new attitude but I can't.  So I just "Suck It Up" and make the most of what today brings.

     #2....Being a parent is the hardest gig ever! ....  I want so much for my children, not material things but life lessons and experiences.  I don't want to always have to be responsible or discipline but that's part of being a parent.  My heart breaks when my child struggles or they're heartbroken and it's unbelievable pain but I refuse to swoop in and fix everything for them because as hard as it is for me to watch, I know it'll be at least 10x harder on them later if I don't let them grow and learn how to handle things in life that come their way.  Seriously being a parent...hardest gig ever!

     #3....Best high you can get and money can't buy it....  Being a parent is the best high ever and you can't buy it with money.  The hugs, kisses, smiles, cuddles, questions of why, the everything about being a parent is AMAZING!  Knowing that it won't last forever, takes my breath away!  I want it to last and I want to remember it all and know that I lived it all and embraced it all!  Everyday I wake up and think that I have so much to teach and train the boys before they go off into this big old world and make their own way and I'm filled with excitement, sadness, and anxious all at the same time!  I just need it to slow down just a little but since I can't make that happen, I just hold on and savor every part like it was the best meal I've ever eaten.

     #4....There is evil in this world....  I have to deal with and I must teach my boys so they'll be armed to deal with the evil that will face them when I'm no longer in arms reach to protect them.  Teaching my boys about the evil is in no way fun but it must be done!

     This is just a little glimpse of what I've been dealing with.  Behind each of these titles is a story but I didn't have time to write them...so this will have to do for now.  I know we all have battles and struggles that we face everyday and that we all make a choice to let it rule us or that we will rule it...I miss my dad to help me and talk me through the day to day struggles of living life but I have much work to do to teach my boys all that I must...so you know I'll Keep On Keepin' On!

Trinity