Ryler wrote this a few days before Christmas, so needless to say it's been a rough few weeks. I haven't made time to write and I've missed my therapy. So here goes...
It's been rough on Ryler, my 9 year old. Papa was his best friend. Ryler is a big, strong kid and looks at least as old as his big brother Garrin who is 12. It's sometimes hard to remember that he's just 9 years old, he acts so much older. I knew he'd been having a hard time but he wasn't wanting to talk and I didn't want to push. I felt like I needed to give him space and let him handle things in his own way. It's heartbreaking to watch! So not only do I miss my dad but I've got to get up everyday and make the most of it and be strong and so does everyone else. I've thought a lot about my mom and how she's feeling and what I can do for her but I haven't given much thought to the boys. Maybe it's because they've tried to be strong or maybe it's because I'm not strong enough to handle it (seeing them upset). Either way it's time I deal with how the boys are doing.
The other night I laid in Ryler's bed and held him for over an hour as he cried and sobbed. He said nothing. He just cried, his body shook. I've never felt pain like that before! I thought it was painful to watch my dad in pain and wither away and die but this hurt so much in a different way. I've given birth to all my babies all natural and felt physical pain, that night I felt pain all through my body. I felt Ryler's pain, his physical as well as his emotional pain. Yet, there was nothing I could do to fix it. Nothing! That's the most helpless feeling ever. I just held him and let the tears roll down my cheeks. I know I can't fix this for him or anyone but it's hard watching the boys have to walk this journey.
I only hope and pray that I walk through this journey with the strength that my dad taught me, the compassion my mom has taught me, and without doubt and fear. My dad always said that life goes on and that you're born, you live, then you die and that life goes on. He's right but that doesn't mean that it's easy to do or understand. We will walk through this journey as a family and help each other because we have to stay strong and KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!
Trinity
